Tonight

So I stare at this last mug of lemon tea I've been drinking,this trembling doesn't seem to stop and it even feels like I'm going to drop this cup soon, I'm surrounded by twelve eyes and only one if not two know what I'm going through...I can't be addicted,it's only been months... and this thought just made everything worse .

I've been silent for a long time,no comments yet,no answer,am just struggling to take this tea,some caffeine,yet eating has been forbidden over and over again during devotion time,but I'm just me the old me and I know I'm going to be burnt in ten minutes.

It's her turn to comment, she's judgemental as usual,what's the matter with you? You've not read even a verse today,you studied in an Adventist highschool,you just there drinking poison,what happened to the girl who used to preach?  ...and there'll be endless,if I'm to speak back she'll consider me rude.

What's the hill actually,four years can either teach you wrong or right,I woke up on the left one and now my knees are aching,my strength is all gone,like tonight I'll finally die. But still she won't be done and here a young one gets in to drive away the tension...she knows am just not me.

You see this happens, tonight I just have to get into my covers and shut down,am tired. I don't want to close my eyes,just a stare at my darkness around is enough , so I'm done with my tea and the time is over.

My trembling hasn't stopped,I'm ment to be doomed perhaps, everyone is leaving and it's a chance to gaze at my phone,he never called as promised and no text as expected,am just this empty nerve no stimuli,yes am not who everyone wants ,I just love being bad around people I love,I just had blaring headache and to this point I rise to slug myself away,this is the rest I need and I think I'm sick, withdrawals are never like this.

I'll stab him

To survive,my tutor told me to kill, that attacking and slicing my predator was a temporary pleasure,I just had to end it all,no pity,for the foes to note the lesson on being against you,and I would listen and hope someday I'll owe him for all he said but I came to know that I have to kill to feel alive.

To be safe,I had to revenge,that sleeping feeling angry was a sign of insecurity,I had to be awake and plan my vengeance,he always admired such intelligence and I would smile,to retaliate was more than a feeling of comfort,it was a zone that brought about peace other that letting the same flame burn twice.

He would teach about grieve not being on me only,about the hate that I had to show always,about the joy that it's never ment to last,about this and that and that,his classes were like an endless waterfall and I would enjoy it's flow,every bit of it I crowned,like an idol I took him.

So why should I stab him? Why should I let him bled out? He was more than a friend and still I had to suffer in his arms learning,I had more to lose when it came to him and still he taught that the best goodbyes are never said and yes I'm going to stab him.

My only one

So he calls,to ask about my day,how it went after our chat,I'm a bit surprised if he wanted something he would have texted but he goes on telling he can see my dimple and that glorious smile on my face and I chuckle then boom he goes ahead telling about those Kipsigis teeth,I agree it's what's covering my face now,he knows me and can read me well.

I'll like to go on with this conversation,make him flatter me but I can't it's what I never want ,being happy,so something's going to come up soon
but he's clever,pointed the variations in my tone it's not sincere he notes,I can't pretend well when it comes to him,he asks what's wrong and I titter, tries to fill in some gap and he's like stop faking were not in a gab,he's great at tying me up.

It's hard to snap out of this so I tell that before he called I wanted to take a blunt or five so I couldn't drown on my thoughts but get high and doze off smiling, since I can't sleep,at the same time I can't tell what's the problem, it's like some strings that keep you locked in the dark and not even a wind or light can't tell what time it is,he's sorry but for what,he asks if he can come over but I just hang up nothing is worth change for now.