Tonight

So I stare at this last mug of lemon tea I've been drinking,this trembling doesn't seem to stop and it even feels like I'm going to drop this cup soon, I'm surrounded by twelve eyes and only one if not two know what I'm going through...I can't be addicted,it's only been months... and this thought just made everything worse .

I've been silent for a long time,no comments yet,no answer,am just struggling to take this tea,some caffeine,yet eating has been forbidden over and over again during devotion time,but I'm just me the old me and I know I'm going to be burnt in ten minutes.

It's her turn to comment, she's judgemental as usual,what's the matter with you? You've not read even a verse today,you studied in an Adventist highschool,you just there drinking poison,what happened to the girl who used to preach?  ...and there'll be endless,if I'm to speak back she'll consider me rude.

What's the hill actually,four years can either teach you wrong or right,I woke up on the left one and now my knees are aching,my strength is all gone,like tonight I'll finally die. But still she won't be done and here a young one gets in to drive away the tension...she knows am just not me.

You see this happens, tonight I just have to get into my covers and shut down,am tired. I don't want to close my eyes,just a stare at my darkness around is enough , so I'm done with my tea and the time is over.

My trembling hasn't stopped,I'm ment to be doomed perhaps, everyone is leaving and it's a chance to gaze at my phone,he never called as promised and no text as expected,am just this empty nerve no stimuli,yes am not who everyone wants ,I just love being bad around people I love,I just had blaring headache and to this point I rise to slug myself away,this is the rest I need and I think I'm sick, withdrawals are never like this.

I'll stab him

To survive,my tutor told me to kill, that attacking and slicing my predator was a temporary pleasure,I just had to end it all,no pity,for the foes to note the lesson on being against you,and I would listen and hope someday I'll owe him for all he said but I came to know that I have to kill to feel alive.

To be safe,I had to revenge,that sleeping feeling angry was a sign of insecurity,I had to be awake and plan my vengeance,he always admired such intelligence and I would smile,to retaliate was more than a feeling of comfort,it was a zone that brought about peace other that letting the same flame burn twice.

He would teach about grieve not being on me only,about the hate that I had to show always,about the joy that it's never ment to last,about this and that and that,his classes were like an endless waterfall and I would enjoy it's flow,every bit of it I crowned,like an idol I took him.

So why should I stab him? Why should I let him bled out? He was more than a friend and still I had to suffer in his arms learning,I had more to lose when it came to him and still he taught that the best goodbyes are never said and yes I'm going to stab him.

My only one

So he calls,to ask about my day,how it went after our chat,I'm a bit surprised if he wanted something he would have texted but he goes on telling he can see my dimple and that glorious smile on my face and I chuckle then boom he goes ahead telling about those Kipsigis teeth,I agree it's what's covering my face now,he knows me and can read me well.

I'll like to go on with this conversation,make him flatter me but I can't it's what I never want ,being happy,so something's going to come up soon
but he's clever,pointed the variations in my tone it's not sincere he notes,I can't pretend well when it comes to him,he asks what's wrong and I titter, tries to fill in some gap and he's like stop faking were not in a gab,he's great at tying me up.

It's hard to snap out of this so I tell that before he called I wanted to take a blunt or five so I couldn't drown on my thoughts but get high and doze off smiling, since I can't sleep,at the same time I can't tell what's the problem, it's like some strings that keep you locked in the dark and not even a wind or light can't tell what time it is,he's sorry but for what,he asks if he can come over but I just hang up nothing is worth change for now.

Silent auction

She gave this pity all the time she stared and talk to me,she made it always seem like the last time we would ever talk but bit by bit I knew this drama won't end sooner and it gave me chills that I might lose my only sincere friend courtesy of my ignorance and this hate overwhelming me.

The wreckage I'm built of is what gives me hope at times,though lately I saw myself knocking my niece on this wooden arm chair and felt not pity never had the courage to say sorry ,just took some water wiped the blood out and had to bandage it before it could get worse and it just felt like am growing into a monster.

But I try to hide it all with a smiley face and that laugh only two people know it's fake so you won't know the true me,that sad nature of being alone in the vicinity and take credit in pain I see in others, perhaps a lunatic can understand me
and staying away in a asylum could help heal.

I need a thumbs up since lately I didn't kill a being or beat up one till Intensive Care Unit but again I noted that am this messed up freak who failed to see the fault I had and kept no heed on folks sayings since I messed up I now loose my only jewel,my sincere friend, I just betrayed her.

The moment this shone on my fucking senses I saw no use of being here it's a rotten world after all and sooner or later we all gonna run out of clean air,I had given in and being in bathtub slitting my wrists was a great idea only that my brother came to stop me though emotionally I yelled no .....am this bad creature who deserves nothing.... But he just held my face his loving face staring and all he told me was ....babes,you are not bad neither am I good ,we are just people who either do good or bad .

I killed her

I wish you could see how her face had turned red more of black red, oxygen was running out, all her might to cry out for help were turning into whispers for her strength at bay could do no good like a blast expected to finish the town but barely breaks down a bridge,there were no hopes no motivation exactly how we wait for the construction of our stadium to finally end.

Yelling for help was useless,she noticed and so she tried negotiating in pain but my anger had escalated it was viscous,and that's the time she knew how I felt telling logic she neglected,her hands were not fighting me she held me gently,that grip was firm but still she had to feel more of it till she was aware enough like how we hope the salary comes early.

The satisfaction I awaited took long than I perceived ......a psychopath,that was the last word I could read on her lips and this time she was so weak there was nothing else left so I held her neck and broke it,it felt so simple she now knew it though it took cost of her life and I was now revealed, the weight in me loosened this corpse finally understood me.

Then there was nothing else left,I looked for a point of entry to reap her body apart,her mouth being socked with blood,her nose smaller I lowered down her stockings expecting a way to get in break apart her pelvis so her body could be into two pieces but I found none,hence I figured out I should ensure her blood was dried up and her body could be crushed into dust by a caterpillar and this flesh could serve the dogs a sweet stew.

She never lied on the psychopath I became all the fault being her's for it was all in favour of me
I found it even,but I killed her for justice,I killed her for an identity,I killed her to get hope of being heard,I killed her to be known,I killed her not to be a freak or a murderer just someone to cry for help and perhaps it will open doors only that I forgot to put it in tape to make logic that I can kill for hope.

Them

Well
You make fun on me
Meeting up with me to talk
Talks that are always dry.

Well
You make fun on me
Seeing me urgue facts
Logics you never agree

Well
You make fun on me
Trusting  your sweet lies
Which later breaks me up

Well
You make fun on me
Telling me all is okay
Just to build a smile

Well
You make fun on me
Laughing at my decisions
Being serious accepting them

Well
You make fun on me
Reading my posts
Wondering wtf is wrong

Fun is all you need
I read books to fight poverty
I take aspirin to kill pain
I take antibiotics to heal wounds
I take caffeine to clear my head
I use antiseptics to clean broken skin
I write down to cool my anger
I cry my foolishness out
I'm aware I'm hated in my hood
And it all sums up to nothing
Like them
And you reading this
Have fun
Dumb***es

Midnight sleep

She has to lie for her to get time to study, perhaps even a hour to meditate about all that's been moving fast or, even time to get enough sleep or, even some moment to learn that not all time is ment for some fucking friend you not gonna date, even if that has been his intention since day one.

But it's strikes her like the pain of losing everything, like that moment I woke up discovering that the death of my mum was going to be worse pain than that of dad and kept me weeping the rest of the morning and so in pain I remain torn in way open.

 Yet now the feeling of being with him is stronger than before and today it kills your weekend for not being beside him and I have to know that we not dating just besties and I should empty my heart out to get the glimpse of being loved back.

Though am emotionally trapped with my atrocity, my head keeps calling me a moron, freak, failure, pig bitch, a disappointment and I need to voice up my might but I've forgotten my language,I've got to wake the life of my eyes lest I remain blinded in filtration.

I've got to define my personality for not you seeing me as the timid, short, dark, dready girl, For I get along with my loneliness perfectly and I have to free my heart for being without pain is like losing my demeanour for the worst, I know is there's no power to live,it's not worthy after all.

Dead stars

Perhaps I was in good mood,a cheerful time, around a dexterous throng,having a crowd of elated thoughts or that bad shape of having a cough and can't last a minute without sternutation,yet you'll have to chuckle so it seems funny in a way but, I was in this point mid dispute ,a recovery discovery when I had a crush.

Should you know_he stared at me for awhile but I faded before lasting that ecstatic gaze,if am to describe him his picture won't stick, for you need to know his colour, his bracelet, his shape ,his smile and those cloudy eyes that'll bury me in sand would they see me again for I can't tell his height,his name,his scent or his voice.

I'm hopeful he doesn't mind my ill language and is someone you feel worth of mending your worn off heart and still I feel like meeting him and have unending talks about this and that but I sleep feeling okay and mindless of self imaging, he's obviously not the right one, he'll obviously die before me.

Her nature

There was this moment,corrupted,drowned by that feeling of sadness gone,making your thoughts shrink and your not sad for you've eaten all your anger,and so made me do dirty laundry then when I found this on my sister's pocket,it read;

I stare at her
While she walks
Careful measured steps
I always see her
When she laughs
Then faces high the sky
Not forgetting that
Ponytail as she runs
Her craziness kill
She dances to music
I wonder about her eyes
That shine like stars
Though they fade behind
Those dark lenses
I always find remedy
When I see her smile
I'm so flattered by her
She lacks flaws I think
I still find her pretty
Even when she runs mad
A child some consider her
But I see maturity in her
Something that shrink me
Is the jealousy I find
As she walks with her brother
And what still kills me
Is how I've sank down
Drowned in my love for her.

PS
B3🥰

Surprised how it got there,well folded,neatly written,I had to re-read it , not once,not twice just some fucking times that I didn't have to look for it the moment I felt I should share it,for hell knew that once she knew this it'll be torn apart for rare ladies keep such for reference .

And so today she called,broken,agony in that crying voice,it sounded more of a suicidal call for it all headed to I ran out of time ,painful words overflowed her mouth and you won't get them for they faded out as she would constantly blew her nose and swallowed her might to talk.

She kept cursing herself giving various thoughts about how miserable she has to be,hating her existence in the vicinity and wished that if and only if mother miscarried this won't have happened,and was mad on how men felt more superior for the fact that they had three legs,she wanted to die.

But I felt hurt,I got mad by this ,why should she a beauty clamour ,a sunshine,that girl who has a magical simplicity in her walk,get depressed over beings that know not rare pearls are less in the universe and some died waiting for it's birth.

She had to know that Hunter's moon shown tonight,a past would die in the space,she could freeze the moment just to note that her careless beauty used to sing ,and her eyes could pierce the air,since love was just a game since some were better in it she only had to be afraid to let in.

And so she knows she lives greatly,risks greatly we will also die for people in pain do painful things and if she closes her heart she'll act in less than loving ways but I made aware that no tough guy can take the dew when she awakens to smell the rose garden for I'm aware she's still the fairest of them all.

SICK

I'm a loner,hermit,recluse being , reckless reckling child,the timid insane Kenyan, weakened by insalubrious muscles , which tend to murder me as they contract and relax rhythmically and not for long my blood vessels are liable to be abated entirely upon a deficiency of its components.

I lay.No I lie low, down, deep, covered , buried alive in my bed linen trembling, shivering ,my drowning tears unending ,soaking my pillow as my nostrils want to break up their glands and now my nerves lack impulse triggered by pain
of being alive to feel pain tiredly and only wish it was a corpse lying.

I'll like to be up, rise from this barrier killing me in the form of giving rest,my flesh is up struggling for balance but my bones are selfish they stare innocently like that moment you're confident to speak your heart out but your mouth speaks no more,a disappointment awaits,  am down still in ache.

I just have to say,I died, swallowed by pain when the heat covered me ,as my heart was frozen
and turning to an iceberg was the only thing left
except my mind kept cursing my not to do list and claiming it's never happening yet little was aware a habit was habitual.

Bit by bit down my grave it went,this time not shallow depth for a memory could tell it wasn't first,an echo of laughter was fainting meaning addiction treated reality like shame and next time it'll get harder,I like it like that way and I'll let it go if I want to.

Damn,the next time I'll be okay I'll soon forget my worries before and slowly creep back to my knees and hell know I'll be cursing in pain but, yet in laughter I'm a stupid slug who decides to take a bath in a salty pool and perhaps let it peel off my skin with torture.

I'm sorry to my health,but it's always comforting to know that we shall all die in either case.

Trap

After those times
I miss Cedric's chest
How I punched it
To kill my pain
But perhaps his words
Drove my guilt away

Bit by bit
He would listen
See the agony in me
Then he would laugh
About how small
My worries were
Yet his were hills

Daisy and Jean
Had this laughter
That kept them alive
All evening was lively
But hell knew
How many hypocrites
My class hide
Under reading books

But I had these two
Danstone the long one
And Steve the guru
Who were on my neck
All time writing
They had a weird dialect
Jean and I never got it

But they knew me
Every detail of me
Even the look
I have when lying
And they were risky
Dangerous to stare

I was unsound
Hurting Gim twice
Anger I thought
But it was selfish
Yet he didn't fight back
A thing Maingi does
Always

I regret about Elvis
How his talent shown
Those feet
An awkward smile
That made a mistake
Two beats of heart
Yet the chest intact

Should I leave her
She was my friend
But carried secrets
Heavier than her weight
I admire that ability
But I think about her

I need to leave
Disengage my oneself
It's what I wrote before
If I could erase it
You won't know me
Like this drug
Am addicted to
But doctors tell
Big portions reduce
Small ones will kill
And it ends

The disaster
Ccs
172019