Her repugnance

There was agony in her voice as she spoke over and over again, there was coldness in her tone as she told us not to feel pity,there was pain in her mouth as she told that everything was okay, there was a shriek in her words as she tried making them perfect like her.

Her eyes were watery,she always thought her shades blended them, her eyes were sick they couldn't hide her pain, her pupils were dilated ,she was careful as she blinked lest her tear could fall,she was afraid,they showed how scared she was.

I can't mention how her face was pale, though she gave a genuine smile whenever she stared at us,she kept talking telling us not be sad about her,telling us not to miss her, telling us not to visit her at the hospital, telling us she was alright, telling us about how we meet and how we were definitely not going to think about her existence and about this and this and that.

She even chuckled as she spoke,but I was away,as I stared at her,all these memories were on her face, about how she always laughs,the moments she surprises us,how she sleeps,when tells us stories about her boring highschool lifestyle, how she pretends to like your joke,how her mood changes in seconds,how she smiles to avoid arguments … everything about her was there.

She paused when our eyes met, and her voice broke as she asked why my eyes were red,her heart became sore ,her eyes couldn't hold her tears but she just cleared her nostrils and kept on talking,till we said no.

But why, were our last moments with her supposed to be so wretched, did she think making us hate her would stop us from missing her,did she consider the fact that we'll hate ourselves for listening to her,did she know we'll feel more than just sorry for losing her,did she know we'll forever beg the heavens to turn back time,did she even care about our feelings,did she hear how terrible she sounded,did she know how much we loved her,did she know how many times I wanted to take her pain as she rolled over crying asking me to make it stop,did she know how many times we hoped she was going to be discharged,did she know we have so many memories about her but we only remember when she left,did she think reading her will would eassen the pain,did she?

All she ever left us with was pain, she killed our hopes of ever being happy,she ain't replaceable as she thought,she wasn't a peak of dust as she thought,she was a gem,with a pure heart that only knew hate and pain, she's gone but she's everywhere,if she could ever come back even for a minute, I'd like to tell her how I hate her, I'd like to kick her, I'd like to beat her up…and now as her stare at her grave I noticed this was all she wanted,to be hated after she was gone.