In memory of her

''Why don't you cry at funerals?''

My best friend asked while clearing her nostrils, she might have caught a cold I bet from mourning the dead, she looked sad, confused that God was unfair yet still his consoler, she looked miserable and I always found this funny, I don't know how many times I held my laugh awaiting the end of the burial.

I don't cry, 

I cried at 3 am when she had her life together yet I was breaking lose,I cried at 3 am imagining how death would hurt though now it doesn't, I cried at her coldness towards me yet she was at ease, I cried at her praises her jubilation her progress, I cried at how she had everything figured out.

I don't cry since she didn't have everything figured out liked she seemed, I don't cry because of her foolishness her pettiness her spite towards me, her irritable nature around me, I don't cry since I'm sad am mad that she chose her own death, I don't cry because I can't cry at her speck of her left, she's not here anymore.

Fuck! Why don't I cry at funerals?