Nervous

I'm nervous
I'm torn in my thoughts
Whether telling the truth
Or letting them at bay
Would still help me

I'm nervous
I'm mixed with signals
Duplicating tensions in my muscles
Boring deep holes in my heart
It's pain drowning

I'm nervous
I'm broken by looking forward
Fighting the real away
Yearning for an illusion
Yet still not surviving

I'm nervous
I'm waiting for a call
To clear my mind perhaps
To open my heart out
And free my prisoner.

Perhaps letting my nerves
Take over my pride
Is the happiness I need.

He lied

😭😭😭😭

He lied
All that time I could lie on his chest as he whispered sweet words to me and I would giggle a little so foolishly happy,he lied.

He lied
All that time he would give a five minute hug telling how he missed me ,that two days turned five when he didn't see me,he lied.

He lied
When he said he understood me that it's unfair not getting back the love you give and it being taken advantage of by some,he lied.

He lied
When he wanted my kiss telling me he wasn't in love with her girlfriend anymore and that it had been a month since they spoke,he lied.

He lied
When he told me he loved me, that I'm a unique person,that I told him my secrets,I trusted him with my lips then I loved him back,he lied.

Midnight sleep

She has to lie for her to get time to study, perhaps even a hour to meditate about all that's been moving fast or, even time to get enough sleep or, even some moment to learn that not all time is ment for some fucking friend you not gonna date, even if that has been his intention since day one.

But it's strikes her like the pain of losing everything, like that moment I woke up discovering that the death of my mum was going to be worse pain than that of dad and kept me weeping the rest of the morning and so in pain I remain torn in way open.

 Yet now the feeling of being with him is stronger than before and today it kills your weekend for not being beside him and I have to know that we not dating just besties and I should empty my heart out to get the glimpse of being loved back.

Though am emotionally trapped with my atrocity, my head keeps calling me a moron, freak, failure, pig bitch, a disappointment and I need to voice up my might but I've forgotten my language,I've got to wake the life of my eyes lest I remain blinded in filtration.

I've got to define my personality for not you seeing me as the timid, short, dark, dready girl, For I get along with my loneliness perfectly and I have to free my heart for being without pain is like losing my demeanour for the worst, I know is there's no power to live,it's not worthy after all.

Dead stars

Perhaps I was in good mood,a cheerful time, around a dexterous throng,having a crowd of elated thoughts or that bad shape of having a cough and can't last a minute without sternutation,yet you'll have to chuckle so it seems funny in a way but, I was in this point mid dispute ,a recovery discovery when I had a crush.

Should you know_he stared at me for awhile but I faded before lasting that ecstatic gaze,if am to describe him his picture won't stick, for you need to know his colour, his bracelet, his shape ,his smile and those cloudy eyes that'll bury me in sand would they see me again for I can't tell his height,his name,his scent or his voice.

I'm hopeful he doesn't mind my ill language and is someone you feel worth of mending your worn off heart and still I feel like meeting him and have unending talks about this and that but I sleep feeling okay and mindless of self imaging, he's obviously not the right one, he'll obviously die before me.

Her nature

There was this moment,corrupted,drowned by that feeling of sadness gone,making your thoughts shrink and your not sad for you've eaten all your anger,and so made me do dirty laundry then when I found this on my sister's pocket,it read;

I stare at her
While she walks
Careful measured steps
I always see her
When she laughs
Then faces high the sky
Not forgetting that
Ponytail as she runs
Her craziness kill
She dances to music
I wonder about her eyes
That shine like stars
Though they fade behind
Those dark lenses
I always find remedy
When I see her smile
I'm so flattered by her
She lacks flaws I think
I still find her pretty
Even when she runs mad
A child some consider her
But I see maturity in her
Something that shrink me
Is the jealousy I find
As she walks with her brother
And what still kills me
Is how I've sank down
Drowned in my love for her.

PS
B3🥰

Surprised how it got there,well folded,neatly written,I had to re-read it , not once,not twice just some fucking times that I didn't have to look for it the moment I felt I should share it,for hell knew that once she knew this it'll be torn apart for rare ladies keep such for reference .

And so today she called,broken,agony in that crying voice,it sounded more of a suicidal call for it all headed to I ran out of time ,painful words overflowed her mouth and you won't get them for they faded out as she would constantly blew her nose and swallowed her might to talk.

She kept cursing herself giving various thoughts about how miserable she has to be,hating her existence in the vicinity and wished that if and only if mother miscarried this won't have happened,and was mad on how men felt more superior for the fact that they had three legs,she wanted to die.

But I felt hurt,I got mad by this ,why should she a beauty clamour ,a sunshine,that girl who has a magical simplicity in her walk,get depressed over beings that know not rare pearls are less in the universe and some died waiting for it's birth.

She had to know that Hunter's moon shown tonight,a past would die in the space,she could freeze the moment just to note that her careless beauty used to sing ,and her eyes could pierce the air,since love was just a game since some were better in it she only had to be afraid to let in.

And so she knows she lives greatly,risks greatly we will also die for people in pain do painful things and if she closes her heart she'll act in less than loving ways but I made aware that no tough guy can take the dew when she awakens to smell the rose garden for I'm aware she's still the fairest of them all.

SICK

I'm a loner,hermit,recluse being , reckless reckling child,the timid insane Kenyan, weakened by insalubrious muscles , which tend to murder me as they contract and relax rhythmically and not for long my blood vessels are liable to be abated entirely upon a deficiency of its components.

I lay.No I lie low, down, deep, covered , buried alive in my bed linen trembling, shivering ,my drowning tears unending ,soaking my pillow as my nostrils want to break up their glands and now my nerves lack impulse triggered by pain
of being alive to feel pain tiredly and only wish it was a corpse lying.

I'll like to be up, rise from this barrier killing me in the form of giving rest,my flesh is up struggling for balance but my bones are selfish they stare innocently like that moment you're confident to speak your heart out but your mouth speaks no more,a disappointment awaits,  am down still in ache.

I just have to say,I died, swallowed by pain when the heat covered me ,as my heart was frozen
and turning to an iceberg was the only thing left
except my mind kept cursing my not to do list and claiming it's never happening yet little was aware a habit was habitual.

Bit by bit down my grave it went,this time not shallow depth for a memory could tell it wasn't first,an echo of laughter was fainting meaning addiction treated reality like shame and next time it'll get harder,I like it like that way and I'll let it go if I want to.

Damn,the next time I'll be okay I'll soon forget my worries before and slowly creep back to my knees and hell know I'll be cursing in pain but, yet in laughter I'm a stupid slug who decides to take a bath in a salty pool and perhaps let it peel off my skin with torture.

I'm sorry to my health,but it's always comforting to know that we shall all die in either case.

Trap

After those times
I miss Cedric's chest
How I punched it
To kill my pain
But perhaps his words
Drove my guilt away

Bit by bit
He would listen
See the agony in me
Then he would laugh
About how small
My worries were
Yet his were hills

Daisy and Jean
Had this laughter
That kept them alive
All evening was lively
But hell knew
How many hypocrites
My class hide
Under reading books

But I had these two
Danstone the long one
And Steve the guru
Who were on my neck
All time writing
They had a weird dialect
Jean and I never got it

But they knew me
Every detail of me
Even the look
I have when lying
And they were risky
Dangerous to stare

I was unsound
Hurting Gim twice
Anger I thought
But it was selfish
Yet he didn't fight back
A thing Maingi does
Always

I regret about Elvis
How his talent shown
Those feet
An awkward smile
That made a mistake
Two beats of heart
Yet the chest intact

Should I leave her
She was my friend
But carried secrets
Heavier than her weight
I admire that ability
But I think about her

I need to leave
Disengage my oneself
It's what I wrote before
If I could erase it
You won't know me
Like this drug
Am addicted to
But doctors tell
Big portions reduce
Small ones will kill
And it ends

The disaster
Ccs
172019