Her repugnance

There was agony in her voice as she spoke over and over again, there was coldness in her tone as she told us not to feel pity,there was pain in her mouth as she told that everything was okay, there was a shriek in her words as she tried making them perfect like her.

Her eyes were watery,she always thought her shades blended them, her eyes were sick they couldn't hide her pain, her pupils were dilated ,she was careful as she blinked lest her tear could fall,she was afraid,they showed how scared she was.

I can't mention how her face was pale, though she gave a genuine smile whenever she stared at us,she kept talking telling us not be sad about her,telling us not to miss her, telling us not to visit her at the hospital, telling us she was alright, telling us about how we meet and how we were definitely not going to think about her existence and about this and this and that.

She even chuckled as she spoke,but I was away,as I stared at her,all these memories were on her face, about how she always laughs,the moments she surprises us,how she sleeps,when tells us stories about her boring highschool lifestyle, how she pretends to like your joke,how her mood changes in seconds,how she smiles to avoid arguments … everything about her was there.

She paused when our eyes met, and her voice broke as she asked why my eyes were red,her heart became sore ,her eyes couldn't hold her tears but she just cleared her nostrils and kept on talking,till we said no.

But why, were our last moments with her supposed to be so wretched, did she think making us hate her would stop us from missing her,did she consider the fact that we'll hate ourselves for listening to her,did she know we'll feel more than just sorry for losing her,did she know we'll forever beg the heavens to turn back time,did she even care about our feelings,did she hear how terrible she sounded,did she know how much we loved her,did she know how many times I wanted to take her pain as she rolled over crying asking me to make it stop,did she know how many times we hoped she was going to be discharged,did she know we have so many memories about her but we only remember when she left,did she think reading her will would eassen the pain,did she?

All she ever left us with was pain, she killed our hopes of ever being happy,she ain't replaceable as she thought,she wasn't a peak of dust as she thought,she was a gem,with a pure heart that only knew hate and pain, she's gone but she's everywhere,if she could ever come back even for a minute, I'd like to tell her how I hate her, I'd like to kick her, I'd like to beat her up…and now as her stare at her grave I noticed this was all she wanted,to be hated after she was gone.

Tonight

So I stare at this last mug of lemon tea I've been drinking,this trembling doesn't seem to stop and it even feels like I'm going to drop this cup soon, I'm surrounded by twelve eyes and only one if not two know what I'm going through...I can't be addicted,it's only been months... and this thought just made everything worse .

I've been silent for a long time,no comments yet,no answer,am just struggling to take this tea,some caffeine,yet eating has been forbidden over and over again during devotion time,but I'm just me the old me and I know I'm going to be burnt in ten minutes.

It's her turn to comment, she's judgemental as usual,what's the matter with you? You've not read even a verse today,you studied in an Adventist highschool,you just there drinking poison,what happened to the girl who used to preach?  ...and there'll be endless,if I'm to speak back she'll consider me rude.

What's the hill actually,four years can either teach you wrong or right,I woke up on the left one and now my knees are aching,my strength is all gone,like tonight I'll finally die. But still she won't be done and here a young one gets in to drive away the tension...she knows am just not me.

You see this happens, tonight I just have to get into my covers and shut down,am tired. I don't want to close my eyes,just a stare at my darkness around is enough , so I'm done with my tea and the time is over.

My trembling hasn't stopped,I'm ment to be doomed perhaps, everyone is leaving and it's a chance to gaze at my phone,he never called as promised and no text as expected,am just this empty nerve no stimuli,yes am not who everyone wants ,I just love being bad around people I love,I just had blaring headache and to this point I rise to slug myself away,this is the rest I need and I think I'm sick, withdrawals are never like this.

I'll stab him

To survive,my tutor told me to kill, that attacking and slicing my predator was a temporary pleasure,I just had to end it all,no pity,for the foes to note the lesson on being against you,and I would listen and hope someday I'll owe him for all he said but I came to know that I have to kill to feel alive.

To be safe,I had to revenge,that sleeping feeling angry was a sign of insecurity,I had to be awake and plan my vengeance,he always admired such intelligence and I would smile,to retaliate was more than a feeling of comfort,it was a zone that brought about peace other that letting the same flame burn twice.

He would teach about grieve not being on me only,about the hate that I had to show always,about the joy that it's never ment to last,about this and that and that,his classes were like an endless waterfall and I would enjoy it's flow,every bit of it I crowned,like an idol I took him.

So why should I stab him? Why should I let him bled out? He was more than a friend and still I had to suffer in his arms learning,I had more to lose when it came to him and still he taught that the best goodbyes are never said and yes I'm going to stab him.

My only one

So he calls,to ask about my day,how it went after our chat,I'm a bit surprised if he wanted something he would have texted but he goes on telling he can see my dimple and that glorious smile on my face and I chuckle then boom he goes ahead telling about those Kipsigis teeth,I agree it's what's covering my face now,he knows me and can read me well.

I'll like to go on with this conversation,make him flatter me but I can't it's what I never want ,being happy,so something's going to come up soon
but he's clever,pointed the variations in my tone it's not sincere he notes,I can't pretend well when it comes to him,he asks what's wrong and I titter, tries to fill in some gap and he's like stop faking were not in a gab,he's great at tying me up.

It's hard to snap out of this so I tell that before he called I wanted to take a blunt or five so I couldn't drown on my thoughts but get high and doze off smiling, since I can't sleep,at the same time I can't tell what's the problem, it's like some strings that keep you locked in the dark and not even a wind or light can't tell what time it is,he's sorry but for what,he asks if he can come over but I just hang up nothing is worth change for now.

Shy

He stares for awhile then tells how he's bored,how his day got wasted by the fact that he had to study then grumbles about assignment how they always seem more and it never gets better for they get difficult and tougher as it adds up, he can curse and then tells you you're weird for you just stood there to listen.

Yet still I have no say since he keeps record so he'll use it in our argument later,so I smile and hope our walk gets shorter,I need to arrive to my hostel perhaps get some sleep or catch up with an episode of blindspot,though he stops talking and wants a story from me since all these evening walks he's been doing most of the talking.

I try telling him about this day,how the lectures sucked,how my mind was off during the Bible study but no I  just ask him if he can have some tea,we approaching our gate and he denies as always and so I would say goodnight but he'll say that's ment for a text,then waves and goes the opposite direction.

Then this would happen for more than five nights,till he asks for a hug sometime takes tea or supper and I see him to be a friend nothing else but it then grows intense and he wants to date me,takes me out for dinner and I then learn that his past relationship nearly killed him.

But he needs to know I can't be this perfect creature he wants,I easily give up and go wrong more than once though the times am remorseful I mean it and this feeling can easily wear off if I'm not given a listening ear since I've got this strange innocence with a bit of ignorance.

Silent auction

She gave this pity all the time she stared and talk to me,she made it always seem like the last time we would ever talk but bit by bit I knew this drama won't end sooner and it gave me chills that I might lose my only sincere friend courtesy of my ignorance and this hate overwhelming me.

The wreckage I'm built of is what gives me hope at times,though lately I saw myself knocking my niece on this wooden arm chair and felt not pity never had the courage to say sorry ,just took some water wiped the blood out and had to bandage it before it could get worse and it just felt like am growing into a monster.

But I try to hide it all with a smiley face and that laugh only two people know it's fake so you won't know the true me,that sad nature of being alone in the vicinity and take credit in pain I see in others, perhaps a lunatic can understand me
and staying away in a asylum could help heal.

I need a thumbs up since lately I didn't kill a being or beat up one till Intensive Care Unit but again I noted that am this messed up freak who failed to see the fault I had and kept no heed on folks sayings since I messed up I now loose my only jewel,my sincere friend, I just betrayed her.

The moment this shone on my fucking senses I saw no use of being here it's a rotten world after all and sooner or later we all gonna run out of clean air,I had given in and being in bathtub slitting my wrists was a great idea only that my brother came to stop me though emotionally I yelled no .....am this bad creature who deserves nothing.... But he just held my face his loving face staring and all he told me was ....babes,you are not bad neither am I good ,we are just people who either do good or bad .

I killed her

I wish you could see how her face had turned red more of black red, oxygen was running out, all her might to cry out for help were turning into whispers for her strength at bay could do no good like a blast expected to finish the town but barely breaks down a bridge,there were no hopes no motivation exactly how we wait for the construction of our stadium to finally end.

Yelling for help was useless,she noticed and so she tried negotiating in pain but my anger had escalated it was viscous,and that's the time she knew how I felt telling logic she neglected,her hands were not fighting me she held me gently,that grip was firm but still she had to feel more of it till she was aware enough like how we hope the salary comes early.

The satisfaction I awaited took long than I perceived ......a psychopath,that was the last word I could read on her lips and this time she was so weak there was nothing else left so I held her neck and broke it,it felt so simple she now knew it though it took cost of her life and I was now revealed, the weight in me loosened this corpse finally understood me.

Then there was nothing else left,I looked for a point of entry to reap her body apart,her mouth being socked with blood,her nose smaller I lowered down her stockings expecting a way to get in break apart her pelvis so her body could be into two pieces but I found none,hence I figured out I should ensure her blood was dried up and her body could be crushed into dust by a caterpillar and this flesh could serve the dogs a sweet stew.

She never lied on the psychopath I became all the fault being her's for it was all in favour of me
I found it even,but I killed her for justice,I killed her for an identity,I killed her to get hope of being heard,I killed her to be known,I killed her not to be a freak or a murderer just someone to cry for help and perhaps it will open doors only that I forgot to put it in tape to make logic that I can kill for hope.

Them

Well
You make fun on me
Meeting up with me to talk
Talks that are always dry.

Well
You make fun on me
Seeing me urgue facts
Logics you never agree

Well
You make fun on me
Trusting  your sweet lies
Which later breaks me up

Well
You make fun on me
Telling me all is okay
Just to build a smile

Well
You make fun on me
Laughing at my decisions
Being serious accepting them

Well
You make fun on me
Reading my posts
Wondering wtf is wrong

Fun is all you need
I read books to fight poverty
I take aspirin to kill pain
I take antibiotics to heal wounds
I take caffeine to clear my head
I use antiseptics to clean broken skin
I write down to cool my anger
I cry my foolishness out
I'm aware I'm hated in my hood
And it all sums up to nothing
Like them
And you reading this
Have fun
Dumb***es