Why

Why
Why should I care about myself yet clearly all the care I  know is my health

Why
Why should I love myself since the hate I have is similar to the love people say they give

Why
Why should I accept to be alive to feel it's pain and dislike yet being dead is better off

Why
Why should people lie to get my comfort,to feel my freedom yet their truth isn't different.

Why
Why should I fall in love with you to get trust issues since it's never the time to be close

Nervous

I'm nervous
I'm torn in my thoughts
Whether telling the truth
Or letting them at bay
Would still help me

I'm nervous
I'm mixed with signals
Duplicating tensions in my muscles
Boring deep holes in my heart
It's pain drowning

I'm nervous
I'm broken by looking forward
Fighting the real away
Yearning for an illusion
Yet still not surviving

I'm nervous
I'm waiting for a call
To clear my mind perhaps
To open my heart out
And free my prisoner.

Perhaps letting my nerves
Take over my pride
Is the happiness I need.

He lied

😭😭😭😭

He lied
All that time I could lie on his chest as he whispered sweet words to me and I would giggle a little so foolishly happy,he lied.

He lied
All that time he would give a five minute hug telling how he missed me ,that two days turned five when he didn't see me,he lied.

He lied
When he said he understood me that it's unfair not getting back the love you give and it being taken advantage of by some,he lied.

He lied
When he wanted my kiss telling me he wasn't in love with her girlfriend anymore and that it had been a month since they spoke,he lied.

He lied
When he told me he loved me, that I'm a unique person,that I told him my secrets,I trusted him with my lips then I loved him back,he lied.

Midnight sleep

She has to lie for her to get time to study, perhaps even a hour to meditate about all that's been moving fast or, even time to get enough sleep or, even some moment to learn that not all time is ment for some fucking friend you not gonna date, even if that has been his intention since day one.

But it's strikes her like the pain of losing everything, like that moment I woke up discovering that the death of my mum was going to be worse pain than that of dad and kept me weeping the rest of the morning and so in pain I remain torn in way open.

 Yet now the feeling of being with him is stronger than before and today it kills your weekend for not being beside him and I have to know that we not dating just besties and I should empty my heart out to get the glimpse of being loved back.

Though am emotionally trapped with my atrocity, my head keeps calling me a moron, freak, failure, pig bitch, a disappointment and I need to voice up my might but I've forgotten my language,I've got to wake the life of my eyes lest I remain blinded in filtration.

I've got to define my personality for not you seeing me as the timid, short, dark, dready girl, For I get along with my loneliness perfectly and I have to free my heart for being without pain is like losing my demeanour for the worst, I know is there's no power to live,it's not worthy after all.

Dead stars

Perhaps I was in good mood,a cheerful time, around a dexterous throng,having a crowd of elated thoughts or that bad shape of having a cough and can't last a minute without sternutation,yet you'll have to chuckle so it seems funny in a way but, I was in this point mid dispute ,a recovery discovery when I had a crush.

Should you know_he stared at me for awhile but I faded before lasting that ecstatic gaze,if am to describe him his picture won't stick, for you need to know his colour, his bracelet, his shape ,his smile and those cloudy eyes that'll bury me in sand would they see me again for I can't tell his height,his name,his scent or his voice.

I'm hopeful he doesn't mind my ill language and is someone you feel worth of mending your worn off heart and still I feel like meeting him and have unending talks about this and that but I sleep feeling okay and mindless of self imaging, he's obviously not the right one, he'll obviously die before me.

Her nature

There was this moment,corrupted,drowned by that feeling of sadness gone,making your thoughts shrink and your not sad for you've eaten all your anger,and so made me do dirty laundry then when I found this on my sister's pocket,it read;

I stare at her
While she walks
Careful measured steps
I always see her
When she laughs
Then faces high the sky
Not forgetting that
Ponytail as she runs
Her craziness kill
She dances to music
I wonder about her eyes
That shine like stars
Though they fade behind
Those dark lenses
I always find remedy
When I see her smile
I'm so flattered by her
She lacks flaws I think
I still find her pretty
Even when she runs mad
A child some consider her
But I see maturity in her
Something that shrink me
Is the jealousy I find
As she walks with her brother
And what still kills me
Is how I've sank down
Drowned in my love for her.

PS
B3🥰

Surprised how it got there,well folded,neatly written,I had to re-read it , not once,not twice just some fucking times that I didn't have to look for it the moment I felt I should share it,for hell knew that once she knew this it'll be torn apart for rare ladies keep such for reference .

And so today she called,broken,agony in that crying voice,it sounded more of a suicidal call for it all headed to I ran out of time ,painful words overflowed her mouth and you won't get them for they faded out as she would constantly blew her nose and swallowed her might to talk.

She kept cursing herself giving various thoughts about how miserable she has to be,hating her existence in the vicinity and wished that if and only if mother miscarried this won't have happened,and was mad on how men felt more superior for the fact that they had three legs,she wanted to die.

But I felt hurt,I got mad by this ,why should she a beauty clamour ,a sunshine,that girl who has a magical simplicity in her walk,get depressed over beings that know not rare pearls are less in the universe and some died waiting for it's birth.

She had to know that Hunter's moon shown tonight,a past would die in the space,she could freeze the moment just to note that her careless beauty used to sing ,and her eyes could pierce the air,since love was just a game since some were better in it she only had to be afraid to let in.

And so she knows she lives greatly,risks greatly we will also die for people in pain do painful things and if she closes her heart she'll act in less than loving ways but I made aware that no tough guy can take the dew when she awakens to smell the rose garden for I'm aware she's still the fairest of them all.

SICK

I'm a loner,hermit,recluse being , reckless reckling child,the timid insane Kenyan, weakened by insalubrious muscles , which tend to murder me as they contract and relax rhythmically and not for long my blood vessels are liable to be abated entirely upon a deficiency of its components.

I lay.No I lie low, down, deep, covered , buried alive in my bed linen trembling, shivering ,my drowning tears unending ,soaking my pillow as my nostrils want to break up their glands and now my nerves lack impulse triggered by pain
of being alive to feel pain tiredly and only wish it was a corpse lying.

I'll like to be up, rise from this barrier killing me in the form of giving rest,my flesh is up struggling for balance but my bones are selfish they stare innocently like that moment you're confident to speak your heart out but your mouth speaks no more,a disappointment awaits,  am down still in ache.

I just have to say,I died, swallowed by pain when the heat covered me ,as my heart was frozen
and turning to an iceberg was the only thing left
except my mind kept cursing my not to do list and claiming it's never happening yet little was aware a habit was habitual.

Bit by bit down my grave it went,this time not shallow depth for a memory could tell it wasn't first,an echo of laughter was fainting meaning addiction treated reality like shame and next time it'll get harder,I like it like that way and I'll let it go if I want to.

Damn,the next time I'll be okay I'll soon forget my worries before and slowly creep back to my knees and hell know I'll be cursing in pain but, yet in laughter I'm a stupid slug who decides to take a bath in a salty pool and perhaps let it peel off my skin with torture.

I'm sorry to my health,but it's always comforting to know that we shall all die in either case.

Trap

After those times
I miss Cedric's chest
How I punched it
To kill my pain
But perhaps his words
Drove my guilt away

Bit by bit
He would listen
See the agony in me
Then he would laugh
About how small
My worries were
Yet his were hills

Daisy and Jean
Had this laughter
That kept them alive
All evening was lively
But hell knew
How many hypocrites
My class hide
Under reading books

But I had these two
Danstone the long one
And Steve the guru
Who were on my neck
All time writing
They had a weird dialect
Jean and I never got it

But they knew me
Every detail of me
Even the look
I have when lying
And they were risky
Dangerous to stare

I was unsound
Hurting Gim twice
Anger I thought
But it was selfish
Yet he didn't fight back
A thing Maingi does
Always

I regret about Elvis
How his talent shown
Those feet
An awkward smile
That made a mistake
Two beats of heart
Yet the chest intact

Should I leave her
She was my friend
But carried secrets
Heavier than her weight
I admire that ability
But I think about her

I need to leave
Disengage my oneself
It's what I wrote before
If I could erase it
You won't know me
Like this drug
Am addicted to
But doctors tell
Big portions reduce
Small ones will kill
And it ends

The disaster
Ccs
172019

My dream

I dreamt

So long

It never ended

I was in deep sleep

I was awake

I dreamt

So sweet

I even felt it tasty

It was broad daylight

It was at night

I dreamt

So warm

The air was great

The sun really scorched

The moon was so cool

I dreamt 

So alive

It was the peak of it

Covered in dark blood

My heart still working

I dreamt

About us

Just the three

It was so sweet

Yet so bitter

Of course I dreamt

About the good you 

About the bad I knew

And I saw the mold 

Being good in you

Of course i dreamt

Blinded by it

Clarity through it 

Dawned on me

The darkness was me

I lied

I wasn't dreaming

I was right there

Awake and seeing

That sweet in it

Fresh from the window

Its laughing 

That drink

Tealeaves

Bye

It's hard to write

It's hard to forget 

It's hard to accept

It's hard to know

That one has left

And would never come

You will miss her

Terribly I know

But should it kill

No ! You have a future

Mother left

But her spirit lives

Be who she wanted 

Let her legacy be alive

Since: 

Life is like a pill

Survival is not will

Some time you'll be thrashed

Others leave you splashed

But since its not a choice

You'll have to be okay

RIP. Mother

M*

It was

With the old music

Of your flute

You're sound thrills me off

I remain speechless 

Imagining out of the unimagininable

My nerves get alert

My muscles tend to contract

More than even relaxing

I get into a hole

Of black darkness

And it doesn't end

With the music flowing

I then become weak

But stronger than Samson

This pounding heart

Creates a rhythm

I don't know its keys

Then I hear

Voices calling me

"Girl will you wake up?"

Opening my outer eyes

Christ! I had gone away

I had died

Buried by that beauty

Of the sound you make

And my love for you

But first

Being simple and clear

We live 

We love 

We lie

Cold lonely world

Give lessons the hard way

So hard to swallow

Now we face our fears

One is scared of being lonely

But it seems there's a path

Where everyone must take

Don't take it for hatred

But part of your story

Made our paths cross

Quick recovery 

All the best

Then 

Wish I had opened

My eyes wide enough

To see that extension

In your so called skull,, idiot

I find it amusing

Or should it be ironical

Since you made me mad

And opted for the joke

Friend zone

You always want to win

So as to be seen a genious

Or that you can't give in

You bloody jigger

You always talk

And give the stern look

A great analyser

In politics football 

When will you grow

To care about others

But still

Am fighting the tears

Lest they drop down

Annoying me again

My heart solemn it feels

Bitterness and pain

It looks like guilt

Being asked by conscience

To ignore everything

Since when twas your turn

The other party ignored

Cover anger with smile

Laugh keep smiling

But it still shocks

Why did he love brushing

His arms over me

I've never understood

How I slept

Then moment I get up

Not even 

Why I lied to myself

When all was wrong

But l do know

The jealous I feel

Whenever i see you

Spending ...

And it doesn't go past

My hatred for you

And now

Its only I

In this stormy walk

Only I

In this sandy sinking climate

Only I

Who is always wrong

Only I

Who people take advantage

Only I

Who keeps on being lied to

Only I 

Who has to swallow tablets

Only I

Who sometimes get sick

Only I

Who is all alone

There is no shoulder

Even to cling to

There is no moment

Even to keep a smile

There is no room

Even to isolate oneself

There is no human

Even to trust my heart

Useless world useless life

Useless dreams useless ambition

Useless authority useless beings

Useless thoughts useless deeds

Useless love useless feelings

 Am I also useless?

The end

And one thing I kept in mind is that expectations kill all time, I don't have to give all to people who give half but truth be said I can't love someone to that point even if it's my husband

...

That's the last post

Am out of street lights

As I move into 

The darkest part

Of this market centre

My spotlight bright

Enough to show 

A mere girl 

Walking around  

Tight jeans was best

But being a sunny day

Am in a short skirt

And this long coat

Does nothing except

To pull my pace back

As I walk

Its clear am in street

Full of dark manners

Evil guys around

Had they been waiting

For someone

Or had they planned

For that girl

Always ignoring

Those calls like dogs

I now lose vaginity

To a rapist

A stranger

Oh God!!!! 

Not even

My boyfriend

Rapists 

Its not hatred

Its not hard love

Its just nature

Its forces

Goodbye lovely

Guess its time 

I fought time

To win back time

I have to leave

Hide for a while

Cover myself away

And perhaps learn

Its not perfect

To be out there

Its somewhere 

Evil to beings

Of kind hearts

But I wonder

...will you forgive me

Or forget me

Or call me 

A stranger

Like your dad

But its you're future

You're destiny lovely

That I have to create

And its only now 

Or will be never

Should have done it 

But I couldn't

When you grow

You'll not understand

That tradition

Is more than blood

Is more than care

Is more than brains

Is more than men

Is more than hell

Wolves

Is my name to folks

Who gave me out 

At mere age of teen

To be a wife

To the stranger 

You know him

So pretty one

My journey starts

Tonight I guess

And I leave you 

Nothing to grow with

Except you're brain

Or you'll be buried

By that stupidity

All around us 

And

Am told I should date

Someone unique

A guy with class

Whose morals are good

Discipline unquestionable

Standards are high

Bears Christianity

A working class

...the endless list

So what!!

Will that be love

Will that bring cash

Will it not end

Will he be God

Will that give a tag

Or rather a mark

On our kids foreheads

Men are men

Only the colour

Or the face

Or the shape

That brings disparity

Since 

Its senseless

For an angel

Somebeing pure

To have a harlot

For a date

To K1

Met you still 

Two years indeed

Not that long

And the grey maggot

Still bears it

Handsome as always

It missed me

Yet far away

Once left me 

And I had to forget

Loving that soul

I sometime regret

That I cared

And had the memory

Of my childhood friend

You make me mad

Always

Yet my niece says

I need not to care

Trust is never free

Unlike grace

* Gadamnit bitch

Wish you knew 

My hatred to insects

That cling on skin

Yet never used that chance

To bite

When will you grow 

And learn to have brain 

Since such a mess

Deserves a tough kick

To have a jump start

Stupid orangotang

Get up on you're feet

Respect you're butt

It gives support

To the empty bald

Give me a second

For I guess I'm tired

Yet its kinder hard 

To trim you're arrogance

Keep on going

Never turn back

Since

My heart so small

Once loved all

Little never knew 

Nothing so new

And young it cried

Knowing hell tried

Till dawn i wish

He was just a wish

That ...

Her

A tribalist;

Politician with heartless thoughts,

Membrane of unjust acts,

Who gave you life?

Our society;

Bends on drunken roofs,

Stares at the shapeless bald,

Having jealous thoughts.

Your interest;

Want to benefit oneself,

Dislike our views,

You hate our motives.

You care¿

The matter is you,

The correct one you,

Jealous actions to others.

The few;

Trusting your innocent face,

Believing those words,

Why do all these?

Its fun;

You never care commune,

Minds will think big,

Hearts understand more,

And for sure,

No one will see you twice.

NO MOTIVATION

Dawn breaks 

Normal chores waiting

This is Africa 

I call it green

No need of an alarm

Since extending sleep

Is injustice to yourself

Its so normal

Same events all day

That you think🤔

Will I die without

A grave🤨

You begin digging it

It comes at noon 

''I'm in love with a hungry soul

It makes me alive" 

Some artists kill me

Though I find it hard

To be kind enough

To murder them

I stare at the sky

I note it seems moody

Soon it'll rain

What some call blessings

Is what comes as mud

Evening is almost here

My worst part

As the sun goes down

It sweeps away joy

You have come to an end

Of the light

And as you fold 

Oneself in a parcel

You are terrified

You don't know 

Who will soon knock

To ask for your soul

Oh no

They need money

They need sleep

They need ...

In fear I remain

My heart beating

No rest at last

Since voices talk

All night long

Mini-intervals

And what sucks

Not being able to tell 

If its your neighbour

Or late visitors

I opt to turn

And before the cock crows

My body is awake

Welcome!

Another chapter 

Of no motivation