Wine

Red,I suppose,red wine to be specific on her shade,she asked that we wear red to her funeral, yet I knew black was her god, she adored black, she danced with it, she desired it, her gown had gay flowers, she was dark, even her spark was dim.

So why chose your worst color to your funeral ? Red! Red was the little blood in her body, it was losing virginity, it was cramps that freaking cycle , it was the ribbon that dressed her younger hair, it was the wine sweetness from fermented berries, it was the rose, the flowers her spouse sent to flower her demise_ get well soon! they cried.

Change, she used to ask us for change, to have spicy lives with our partners, to make our foes live with us peacefully, to have our folks proud of angels they natured, to assure everyone that we were normal, to beautifully clone our true identities, to make peace with our worries.

The weird part is we laughed, we laughed out our pains,we laughed out our anger, we laughed out our sorrows, we laughed out our guilt, we laughed out our suffering, we laughed out our joy, we laughed it all out out loud 

But when dusk came in it was only you and you couldn't ask for a night light since the darkness was you, psychopathology defined you, evil looked marvelous on you, you are the bad line, the rotten fruit, the pale disgust, for there's no paint to burry your ways, no one to lie to and perhaps that's why she liked the dark, it was the real her(.....you want to know the worst thought she left us.....it  was her pretty face and the change we endured since she was an alcoholic and we just another bottle.)

her

Her voice

Her melody

Her pitch

Her rhythm

Her effortless struggles, the chuckle in between, the high notes that are hit aimlessly, the mood that surrounds her, it pacifies, she's acquainted with the paroles, it's the singing, its her vocals for me.

Her steven

Her tune

Her prosody

Her perceived frequency

Her sustaining prelude, her persistent tone, the comfort around her genesis of the song, the heat the crave of joy within her, it elevates, she's got the looks, the craziness laugh, it's the serenity in her voice for me.

Her voice

Her melody

Her pitch

Her rhythm

Her clear conscience,her elevating energy, the smooth careless whisper,her accidental musicality, she's the pearl as she makes the song shine along with her, it's her calmity, the ease,this bitch has while singing.

Her face

Her smile 

Her eyes 

Her loneliness, it's her mood, her laugh ,her hair, her scent, her hands,her ease, her pace,her voice, its her breasts for me, its her chuckle for me,its just her for me

She was my sickness,my addiction,my monster,I would kill for her,till I couldn't get over her,I was in love with the girl next door, you could have seen how I sat and stared at her while she laughed, dreamt,chuckled,cried,screamt, I've sworn that I'm am over her I've found better love, it's like a miracle.

Buns

It kept shaking, rounding up, you could swear your eyes felt it softness, wasn't that big, the boys say they like it thick though they just want it spongy and flexible when they grab it, but her buns portrayed a connoisseur of beauty, covered in Sinitic willow, silky, the steps she took, perfect,a little fierce yet she was scared, she turned and we screamed hugging but I held her a little bit tighter, for perhaps to still feel her bosoms on me, you kindled something, I ought to have said but instead asked for her company

She was in black,in cold,in a headscarf and we would chuckle and dance to loud pop, she's got a weird taste of music like me,it got weirder and we could swear it was the low-key music or the mood around us but I bet it was the absence of the discerning loneliness, she has cold fingers and how they massaged felt like listening to my fav song,alone,walking on the solemn view of dark trees, that wind scraps your skin by a inch and it's cool but colder and lonelier and sad

There was rage around us, it devoured the heat craved by our bodies,I could swear I felt like being inside her,like a spirit yet the sweetest thing I heard that day were moans,she made me feel good and wanted,you know how an ember shines like it's everlasting yet it'll be blown off in seconds,that's the feeling I had awaited and when I got there, it was getting clearer that I might be liking this side more than being straight 

stare

    At the hospital,staring, listening,  thinking, drinking and

all I see is

people more damaged than me,I see pills, I see dirt,I see gloves,I see others running towards the bodybags,I see others lying that they are okay,I see others lost,I see others in pain,I see others in pity,I see sadness,hope, disgust,money,hatred, shame,things I'll never understand,things I'll always remember,things that are unimaginable, things I'll never forget, things that look like miracles,things that look like souls,I see wounds that'll never scar up, I see till I can't see no more.

I give a deep thought and I  sign

Perhaps I was bewitched to always see this, perhaps I yelled or laughed or gave a dark thought or scorned at a dying one or smirked at hope for the sick,or felt nothing for the dead,or dug graves for a ward,or walked away from someone I could help,or gave people's life ultimatums, or praised the weakness I saw,or this is just a way for the universe to balance up the bad energy around me.

I've spent more times in a hospital more than some 90 year old, I've taken drugs more than all my nemesis combined, I've seen problems you'll never see,I've seen the unspoken of, I've seen what you don't want to think about,I've seen alot and all I think of is how many voters are we going to lose this year..

I think none suits this

I hold my mug,same mug I always use,same time,same spot,the window where I'll stare and stare at the green fence perhaps,at the passers by,at the window half open always,at the thought that someone is also staring,at the kids ariving,at the kids playing then I sip my coffee, coke,ginger, rosemary, water,tea,lemon,and I make up stories about them,and I kill some and I wonder on how to read some and on how to hate some and why the other one seems off.and  then my mind wanders it travels into the pit with the smallest peak of hope, I'm sad ain't I?

My mind travels, and there you see this boy,this spoilt brat who thinks bribing is going to solve his problems,who feels good someone else being humiliated,this sadist,I see him as a psychopath yet I don't throw blames,I feel like telling him will ruin his mood and he'll enjoy the sight of my scolding, I've screamed at him, I've imagined knocking his head on the wall again and again and again , I've seem him drowned, I've seem him sleeping the forever sleep, I've seen him in a bodybag, I've seen people mourning him,yet I always pause, smiling at the thought of how the world will punish him,at the thought that one day the universe will balance up,at the thought that bullies gonna get the best part of him, at the thought that these children looking up to him won't trust him when they understand nihilism.

But I stop caring for him, maybe he thinks he's gonna have his mum for a wife,

 but I'm tired and angry at the border between the fortunate and the less fortunate,why must there be a space,but I stare at my mug saying 'that's why there's going to be more of this' I raise it up.

out here

I always wanted to be a banker when I was little, I'd say financial institution would do me great Justice since I presumed I was good with money

I also once told someone I want to be a truck driver,that I was fascinated with big cars,that it was going to be fun to be a woman on the road but I got discouraged that I'll never get enough sleep that the truck drivers abuse drugs

I also once said I want to be a plumber, perhaps because I wasn't sure what the name meant,when I understood it I saw it better to fix pipes,to work with machinery,it was another task that women couldn't do,I also got discouraged that I'll be unblocking dirty sewages that it wasn't hygienic

Now I studied a course that I can work in the financial institution,three years down the line, I'm unemployed, I can't even find an unpaid internship, I use drugs, half the amenities I've been to in my lifetime have appliances that need to be fixed

This morning on the road,I see being a truck driver wasn't bad after all, atleast trucks don't give me nausea,I see that being a plumber wasn't bad after all, atleast I could be employed somewhere, I see that how many people make bad choices based on the advices they're given, I see alot

Like

So I like this girl 

Like how a hangover makes you feel like, she's that headache that pounds, she's that aftertaste of when she tasted like dying and going to heaven, she's the mood that keeps you zoned out,there universe is inexistent, she's the lazy soul,you only feel like sitting there and staring at the void,her.

 I like her like how nausea makes you dislike the decision you made, like how your mind wanders wondering,what if I misbehaved last night,like how you miss the fun though it's aftermath is skinning you,like how you sit there waiting to reduce the toxins, I like her like how you'll sleep on the floor letting the cold consume your thoughts.

  I like her like how the hangover comes to an end,you see she was there,when I was mid sober but she'll be gone eventually, I like her like how she was the pain,she was the ache, you see I like her like how you hate hangovers,I like her like how she's not in my mind when am taking my first shot,then the next then the next, I like this girl,I like her like I loathe her.

Blood

My brother

My brother praised the devil in me while everyone else shunned it

You see,my brother saw my darkness while everyone else ignored it

He would rub the poison on my cheeks while everyone else blew it off, he spoke to the monster in me and made a pact, we now inseparable.

My brother isn't someone who'll protect me from a fight, he will join my advesary, pin me down and laugh hysterically at my failure, my brother isn't someone who listens to my opinion, he'll add facts and facts, eventually I'll have to concur with him else I'll be pissed off, my brothers no my brother neglected my existence.

My brother showed his affection to me 😂 no he used to resent me, he only did good making sure I'll repay the favor,he taught me that nothing comes in cheap,he was my everything,he still is 

You see my brother shares all my secrets, he'll fight me when I mess up and loathe at my clown, he wipes my pain and grins before I go back, my brother's and I have a wide imagination he uses my weakness to shut me out, my brother is one in two, my brother sits in a throne, I am his power.

Doom

If I take much of it,

I'll be afraid, I'll opt to stop and perhaps I'll feel like I'll never be able to be sober or alive again.

But hold on;

Before I took it.

It felt so cold, so overwhelming, so painful, so depressing, so devastating, I'm even suicidal when sober, I'm super scared when sober and when they say I abuse drugs, I wonder how lone they want me to be.

.

I can't sleep

The genuine rest I have is after taking a pill

I can't be happy

The genuine laugh I have is after smoking pot

I'm not honest

The truth come out only when I'm in pain

I'm never clear,

The confidence comes out when I'm high

I'm always in the closet

The clear image of me is after you've seen me broken

I hide alot

I let out especially in pain in shame in regret

I like the thought of being left alone after everyone's dead but it dawn's to me that I'll die before them.

So when I take a little just to sleep or laugh or be sane or say what's been nagging me, let me have my closure in peace. 

Poetry

Weird

Encounter weird that felt like I was his sucking balls yet his cock was already hard, so weird that I missed my steps some fucking times till I was hopping,I tripped nigga, conversation so weird the problem wasn't clear and still it felt wrong that I stood there eager to leave yet I was supposed to stay, could have been a romantic moment awaited in ages,a phase so weird yet it wasn't ending.

She may be someone or something unique ,so weird yet dark in brighter way, she's someone I don't know yet I have alot to tell about her, she's not around but always there, she's a foe to people who know nothing about her, she can be sang, she can be rapped, she's an awesome psycho, she's a consoler and listener to some, she's an escape route yet the pain giver when meditated on, she praises even the darkest minds, she's the source of the  voice,the urge to scream out and say it loud what can only be heard in silence,

She's an instrument that brings about peace, she's diversified and perhaps something that comes from the heart, she's poetic she's poetry, the home of houses lived and unloved.

Happy world poetry day.

In memory of her

''Why don't you cry at funerals?''

My best friend asked while clearing her nostrils, she might have caught a cold I bet from mourning the dead, she looked sad, confused that God was unfair yet still his consoler, she looked miserable and I always found this funny, I don't know how many times I held my laugh awaiting the end of the burial.

I don't cry, 

I cried at 3 am when she had her life together yet I was breaking lose,I cried at 3 am imagining how death would hurt though now it doesn't, I cried at her coldness towards me yet she was at ease, I cried at her praises her jubilation her progress, I cried at how she had everything figured out.

I don't cry since she didn't have everything figured out liked she seemed, I don't cry because of her foolishness her pettiness her spite towards me, her irritable nature around me, I don't cry since I'm sad am mad that she chose her own death, I don't cry because I can't cry at her speck of her left, she's not here anymore.

Fuck! Why don't I cry at funerals?

👻

You are my darkness, he thought

He'd been delighted to witness her cracked ,rough ,fleshy ,bleeding, open dreadful kind soul, 

He'd been fortunate to feel her wounds oozing blood pus water loathing disgust, his fingerprints scratched anytime he touched her

He saw her fears soaring to warm her sanity else she'd lose everything,. 

He'd given love to her but soar words she heard,

Maybe she was happy in her cold place 

Maybe he was wrong loving her.

ghost 👻

Inviscible 

She stared at me like nothing had happened

She walked past me, like it was obvious, 

She gave me a stern look like what's up bitch

Dead,I try to speak up, I I wanted to feel inviscible like how you saw me , I wanted the courage to speak up to you,I wanted to be close yet away, I just wanted to sleep on it and forget about the other night

I'm petty but happy, hard but soft,, I walked to you with an apology and you turned back like no don't do that, then no you said it okay, like it's normal like it was nothing, you said that these things happened and bitch that broke me, I didn't sleep the whole night or the better part of my night because I knew we had a connection, because were it not that I feared the noises you could make,I wanted to do more,like I knew I could do better and you say it's normal, I spend sleepless nights just trying to feel whatever I felt with you, I crave and I'm turned on whenever I see you, but you said it's normal and fuck that 😞 sucks.

You are my darkness.

²

I listen to all

I always do especially that my house happens to be 1st house yet still ironical that it's numbered 12,

Yet today the atmosphere is relaxed, there's laughter as a few walk in while others stagger as they get in ,it ain't quite as usual, it's not tensed as always, it's noisy yet clear.

I'd say a happy hour or perhaps a new month, no papers no assignment no CAts no deadlines no match coming up

It must feel good to think you're actually free.

🕊️ peace

Peace; what's peace for you

Peace is like blue ,like you want me to define what peace is ,like you asking me to define how an orgasm feels like, it's sweet but no words can define it sweetness, it's like an urge but I'm afraid you won't get the scope when I tell it to you.

Well for me peace is her lips,her innocent sweet juicy lips, it's peaceful like it's her lips,her baby lips for me

Well peace is the fear for me, I'm scared, I'm torn that if I text her she might chuckle and her boyfriend will notice, it's the fear that I'll want more of it and I can't tell what the future holds, peace for me is scary, I'm scared of what she now thinks of me, it's peaceful that am afraid of her sweetness and beauty.

And. Peace for me is the confusion, should I walk her out or should I make her stay, should I be romantic and give her an extra jacket since it's Fucking cold yet she still wants to leave,, it's the hug that I won't want to end but it's outside, it's the confusion that is it my fingers tonight or am I calling my boyfriend for the night,  peace for me is the undesiveness, it's the confusion for me.

So you want me to describe peace ,as sleeping knowing someone's on the gate for the lookout or ,you want to say peaceful is killing a your foes so no one's coming for you or ,you say peace is white like no colonies,you think peace is the happiness, you think peace is sleeping like a baby ,naàh peace is the fear, the confusion the panic and it's her lips for me.

Africa

I was born in Africa,told that this was the unique continent,the beautiful one since black our brown skin was so awesome,sweet and I wasn't told,no I didn't know that I  I was born in third world country,I wasn't told that the beauty came from within that the black no the dark skin color wasn't appreciated,we were slaves and still stigmatized.

I woke up in Africa, knowing we can speak different languages, diversified with different cultures ohh, we look amazing in our traditional attires, culture so unique but,but I didn't wake up to know that I'll be circumcised come my 14th birthday,that I'll be married off before 16 ,that in my tradition I can't speak up to my husband,that I'll be widowed and married off to my husband's brother, that'll be cursed be it known that I like another girl, that I'll be considered an outcast was I to own my land.

I studied in Africa, admiring the pride in us, we religious and self-centered since, we'd rather dig our graves before our death comes, for we build churches to pray in to get jobs, but, but while traveling all I could see was bleaching skin to look white,was dressing like the western culture,were thieves who couldn't appreciate whatever were in their plates, was beggars who couldn't account their funds,were men who define beauty by asses and breasts,were depressed souls, alcoholics 

This is Africa,you think it's green but it's dark like Leakey

let's draw

Let's draw, shall we?

About what;let's draw about failure about defeat, let's draw about war, about the cold about our enemies let's draw about betrayal about losing hope,let's draw shall we??

Let's draw,shall we?

Why draw yet we can paint,we can paint about our intimacy,about the heat within us, about the growth we have, about the yearn the success we can paint even pictures of us, can't we paint?

Let's just draw,shall we?

But with what; there's an art that lies deeper than the eyes of a artist,it dwells and no pencil,no pen,no book no paper no brush can show it's beauty, it's shouts with a faint call, just pull up your sleeves I'll take my shirt off and while you curve my back with that blade I'll draw joy, so darling can we draw.

my humor

You see;

My humor is whole in an empty room,full of nothingness,

its clamoured with caressed beauty,painted in red, that shade of blood, 

she is the beauty in a casket,that light you see in a grave, 

she is the pain skirted on skin by a sharp razor, 

she is the ambient that dances on thorns and is licked by venom tongue, 

she's a turn on by violence, 

she comes and goes like puff of a blunt,

she takes critism as compliments, 

she's the heaviest page on light font, 

she's the honest liar, the trigger on suicidal thoughts, 

she's that yell that moans to stabs. 

She's the miniac, she knows . 

its his breath for me

Its his breath for me

The cool breeze or is it hot, its got the steadiest temperature, it's got the softest touch, its like its calling me into its base, his lips.

It's his breath for me

The musicality in it☺️,the rhythm it has, so powerful the melody drives my nerves, its singing to me as it flows down my face.

Its his breath for me

The chillness it has, that cold touch that goes down displacing everything else, its got that push that makes me forget everything else.

Its his breath for me

The way its calling, singing, drives me to crave for one, just one kiss, its his breath that smells like peace, that breath that makes me want to push him on the wall just to feel his heartbeat, its that breath that makes me stupid again, its like a breath of life, its his breath that covers my life, am whole again, its his breath that I wish he stays a bit longer, its his breath for me. 

sisi

It's us,

The gender that when we grew up were told to be clean,that the dirty ones were boys, that we were the pretty ones,Dad's favorite,we were taught that no man could ever lay a hand on us,we were told that we were the great ones,the better ones, more than men,we could rule..

And we grew up with these lies,that when boys feel in love with us we just wanted them to show us the love, we knew we were the only good ones , the angels with no wings, we were the future we perceived, but they lied.

We were never taught that, that men had hearts, that we were equal despite our differences, that they were also human, that they were also beautiful since we wanted the flowers, the love, the gifts, the joy, the care, the pity that she's just a girl

We overstepped, when they failed we said they were the devils, the dogs, we made them petty and they hardened 

They say nowadays that 'msichana hawezi niambie kitu', they are the beasts we fed, they are the murders we made, they are the thieves we natured, they grave for the pain we insinuated 😂😂😂 yet what remains in the community, guys who turn to gay, ladies who think they are gay.

Its source, Ni sisi wanawake